“The most courageous act in a world that is cruel and numb is to feel the pain and still choose to live with your heart wide open.” - James McCrae
I don't know where exactly to begin, but I know I need to start.
I've written and rewritten this piece so many times. While my story may only take 2 minutes to read, this was years of my life. Keep in mind the minutes, hours, seconds, years and decades of hurt so many men and women have experienced, or may be experiencing right now, as you read this.
For many years, part of me thought I just wasn't ready to share this with the world, and another part of me knows I need to share it for the one person who may need to hear it.
This is my story, and my hope that is by being transparent, open and vulnerable I can help someone else find the strength to do something courageous as well.
Abuse.
It seems like abuse has become a headline lately. We dramatize the hardships that real women go through, yet I don't know what we're doing to actually help. 1 in 3 women have experienced abuse in their life.
I am 1 of 3.
What is ironic about my story, is that I was always the woman who said I would never let a man hit me. I think there's this preconceived notion that abuse only happens to weak individuals.
I wholeheartedly disagree.
I was always fiercely independent. I may also be the strongest woman walking into a room, but the hard truth is... Loving is easier than walking away. Letting the tiny voice in your head telling you "it's ok" is easier than facing the truth in front of you. That is the reality of abuse.
I'm the woman who is physically capable of anything I set my mind to, but abuse doesn't start with physical pain in my experience. It starts with love, then strategically tearing down your worth, manipulating you, controlling your actions, gaslighting, and making you feel so belittled, that there's no reason to fight back.
Tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm
These are the 4 stages of abuse. Abuse isn't constant- it's a cycle. A cycle of instances, horrible events, and then calmness. A rollercoaster of pain and empty promises. In my experience sometimes I wouldn't even consider it "calmness." It felt like constant tension. Afraid that I would do or say the wrong things, all of which led me to become a shell of a person, someone I barely recognized.
I'll never forget one night after a particularly awful argument. I locked myself in the bathroom and considered ending my life. I had nothing left in me. I felt so disturbingly small, unworthy and immensely tired from it all. I just wanted it to be over. I hated seeing the person I had become.
"Not all abusive relationships involve physical violence. Just because you're not battered and bruised doesn't mean you're not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person experiencing it."
Part of this story, my story, is to also share things that I have learned throughout my healing process. One of which is that abuse is not only physical. "Just because you are not battered and bruised doesn't mean you're not being abused." Just because he/she didn't hit you, still doesn't make it right. Controlling, isolating, and making another human being feel inferior... is abuse. Those scars just form a little deeper than others.
I hope no one experiences this in their lifetime, but I think women experience abuse more often than not. It's overlooked as if we're being "dramatic," one of the main reasons I haven't talked about this sooner is because I still hear the tiny voice in my head telling me, "don't make it a big deal." But, herein lies the truth.
It is a big deal. If one day your son or daughter comes to you and says, "He/she thew something across the room because they were upset. It didn't hit me though so it's ok." or "Mom, he/she won't allow me to spend time with XX anymore because they think I'm cheating on them."
Controlling who a person sees or spends time with is not normal. Gaslighting and having a significant other monitoring your whereabouts is not normal. Invading your privacy and tracking your social media is not normal. Having a person in a position of power touch you inappropriately is not normal. Please stop believing the lie that it is.
There is Hope.
I do believe God, or whatever higher powers there are, give the toughest battles to the strongest soldiers. As shitty as it is, maybe it was all for a reason. Maybe life's hardest moments are given because we're meant to do something with those lessons. At least that's what I have to keep telling myself to keep from crumbling some days.
I do believe that if I hadn't gone through these things, how would I prepare my daughter for what is and is not healthy? If I hadn't gone through these things, I'd never have a story to share, and maybe another little girl would never realize that love isn't letting men push you around.
What has helped me throughout these difficult times was fitness. I found a love for something, at a time where I needed it. I needed to feel in control of my body again. More importantly, I needed to feel good about myself again. Even now, it still makes me feel powerful, strong, resilient and has shown me that I can go through hard things, and come out stronger. If there's one thing I hope for. I hope that you've come out the other side, and I hope you find something that you love doing, and let it love you back.
As this portion of my story comes to a close, I will leave you with this thought: If any part of my story has touched your heart, in ways I really wish it didn't, know this—you are wise, compassionate, and brilliant, and deserving of a love that honors every fiber of your being. A love that uplifts and never diminishes you.
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